Area Man Suffers From Identity Crisis After Reading Buzzfeed Personality Quiz Results
By CNtributor Claire McCleskey
MANASSAS, VA—It was a typical Monday morning for Manassas-area man John Winston. He sat down at his desk with a cup of coffee and checked Buzzfeed before getting to work. It was there that he first saw the “Which Character From The Breakfast Club Are You?” personality quiz.
“I always knew I was a Bender. It was never a question for me. But I wanted to take the quiz, just to make it official,” he told reporters.
But the all-knowing Buzzfeed gods begged to differ. As Winston answered the final question of the quiz—stating that his favorite frozen yogurt topping was Fruity Pebbles—Buzzfeed delivered a shocking result. He was not a Bender after all—he was a Claire.
“But I’m a rebel,” he said to no one in particular, as if he was trying to convince himself. “I don’t even know what to think anymore. If I don’t even know what character from The Breakfast Club I am, what do I really know about myself at all?”
Since taking the quiz, Winston has made a few changes in his life. He has since quit his job, telling his boss that he “needs to find himself”. He has moved out of the home he shared with his wife of ten years, telling her that he is in no position to be married if he doesn’t know who he identifies with the most in The Breakfast Club. He now lives in a tiny one-bedroom apartment off of Wellington Road and works as a barista at Starbucks while trying to discover himself.
Giving Thanks For 25 Years Of Mystery Science Theater 3000
By CNU Editor Kari Rogers
Mystery Science Theater 3000, or MST3K, premiered on November 24, 1988 (Thanksgiving Day) on local Minneapolis TV station KTMA. For those who aren’t familiar, it was a long-running cult TV show about a guy and two robots riffing on horrible B-movies they watch aboard a satellite at the behest of mad scientists. You’ve literally had 25 years to get with this program. For those who ARE familiar, you oughta check out mst3kturkeyday.com because it seems us MSTies are partying all week.
What makes MST3K so appealing to so many people? Well, you got puppets for the kids and pop culture jokes for the adults. Plus all that Midwestern charm and UHF production value will automatically give you the warm-fuzzies over time. And need I mention the space robots again? Despite its extraordinary comedic content, comedy nerds have let the regular nerds take this one under the couch with them. Like Monty Python, they’re positively batshit over it. What makes it so iconic? It’s got a great look.
The “Shadowrama” theater seats are instantly recognizable. And people ironically connect with the awful movies that are the destroyed centerpieces of every episode. We rubberneck bad films all the time. Kitsch is a subculture unto itself. B-movies have a history of being ripe for cult potential. And things that celebrate cult tend to become cult themselves.
Me, personally, if you bring up Mystery Science Theater 3000, you’re going to learn a lot about my life. I first saw it when I was six years old. It’s my favorite show because it’s always been a constant throughout my existence - a constant source of sentimentality with my family, a constant source of distraction and comfort when times are tough. I remember trying to save up for Rhino VHS tapes of it in 8th grade. I remember watching a shorts DVD late at night after a disappointing 14th birthday and reading The Amazing Colossal Episode Guide and Mike Nelson’s Movie Megacheese alone at school during the isolating teen years that followed. It helped me out when my mom was dying and when my dog ran away. My step-dad and I spent some rare quality time together watching The Skydivers episode. And, coupled with my hip family’s need to raise a precocious child, it designed the blueprint of my sense of humor, particularly my obsession with obscure references. I’m forever thankful.
It’s just a show. I should really just relax.
But how can you relax with all the internet events Reddit and Shout Factory have planned for us?! Series creator Joel Hodgson is doing a Reddit AMA this Tuesday at 1pm PST/4pm EST until 3pm PST/6pm EST. AND he’s participating in Reddit’s Black Friday livestream event along with other comedians this Friday (duh) from 9am PST/Noon EST - 5pm PST/8pm EST. AND YOU GUYS: Joel and Shout Factory are bringing the TURKEY DAY MARATHON back! A Thanksgiving tradition from the show’s tenure at Comedy Central that ended in 1997 will be revived on mst3kturkeyday.com on Thursday starting at 9am PST/Noon EST.
I encourage you to watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 today, remember when you discovered it, and think of what keeps bringing you back to it.
Kari Rogers’s earliest memory is having the Doobie Brothers explained to her.
Unanswered Questions About JFK’s Death
It was quite a sad day.
And, like the mystery of who shot Mr. Burns, there are many questions that linger to this very day. Here is a complete list.
- Who shot him? Who did this? Cubans, the mob, a rogue U.S. marine with nothing to lose, a time-traveler who knew JFK’s rugged good looks would ruin us all, the Illuminati? Who? We’ll never really know.
- Is he really dead? Or is this like that Andy Kaufman prank. Has anyone seen the two of them in the same room? Makes ya think.
- Why would someone shoot the president? Seems effed up, in my opinion.
- Why is the Magic Bullet being tossed under the bus here? The Magic Bullet is a great product. It blends, it crushes, it makes great margaritas. And yet Conspiracy Theorists insist upon accusing it as playing some part in killing JFK. This is not right.
- What does the F in JFK stand for? Is this like an F. Scott Fitzgerald situation, when the F. stands for nothing? Is it like Dwight D. Eisenhower, when the D. stood for “Dominantor?”
- Did anyone say “The president has been shot. j(F)k lol” when it happened? Cause that would have been very funny.
- Who is Zapruder? He has a name that sounds like a super villain. Like he uses electricity in a very rude way. Also he has some sort of film? Seems in very bad taste to be making a movie while the president was shot.
- Anyone else think Lyndon B. Johnson did it? Who else had the motivation to kill the president other than…the vice president? Messed up if true.
- What does “down and to the left” mean? It sounds kind of like someone describing how to do a move in “Street Fighter,” which was JFK’s favorite video game….it’s starting to come together.
- If JFK was a “Street Fighter” character, who would he be? I say Guile but could be sold on Ken.
By CNTributor JM Cook
Hipster #1: Man, I remember seeing Arcade Fire back in 2006 at a church in Brooklyn. It was life-changing.
Hipster #2: For real? I remember seeing Animal Collective in a ‘04 at a high school gymnasium in Somerville, Mass. Way before they were big.
Hipster #1: Nice nice. I saw Beach House play at a haunted graveyard in South Carolina in 2008. It was so intense.
Hipster #2: Aw man, that sounds great. Were you there for Interpol in 2001? In that abandoned warehouse in Columbus, Ohio? There must have been 10 of us + the band, that’s it. So intimate.
Hipster #1: Ohhh yeah, I posted flyers for that show, but had to go see Neutral Milk Hotel play in Cleveland at a condemned mental institution that night.
Hipster #2: Wowww not bad. Did you ever hear about the Sleigh Bells show in 2009? The one atop the ashes of a recently burned down two-story ranch house in Tampa? They think it was arson. The band played for like eight hours. So effing rad.
Hipster #1: I did! I actually lit that fire and @ messaged the band on Twitter to say it’d be a “pretty dope place for a show.” Were you around for Lorde’s first show? Was in — shit, 1996 I think? — in Devonport, New Zealand. I was studying abroad there and happened into Navy Hospital and bam — improptu show with newborn Lorde. Just me, her folks and the doctors. Her voice was tighter back then.
Hipster #2: My memory is foggy, but I -think- I was studying to be a midwife there and delivered her. You know what, it was Lorde. She was better in the ultrasounds, lemme tell you.