The Wonderful World of Train Travel!
By CNtributor: Tim O’Halloran
Amtrak trains are a strange place. I know Joe Biden loves them, but they are weird dystopian societies. I’ve gotten, unfortunately, more acquainted with long distance train travel since moving out on my own. The one plus that a train does offer is being wicked cheap. Which tends to rule out all the many cons. So, if you’re like me (poor) and are planning on traveling by train, here are some things to look out for.
The Amish- Apparently trains don’t violate the laws of the Amish because they will be on your train. Like a lot of them. Which is fine. Nothing against them. Besides body odor. Also, if you aren’t creeped out by their beards, you’re lying.
Sleeping- It will be near impossible. Every hour or so a suitcase will be accidentally rammed into your seat as another passenger tries to heave it above your head. Odds are this person doesn’t have their original hips.
Border Patrol- The train I take runs near Canada, so without fail every so often Border Patrol dudes will get on the train. I’m not sure what they really do though because they ask if you’re an American citizen and if you answer ‘yes’ then they keep on walking. Top notch investigating.
Cleveland- It’s the worst. I know The Drew Carey Show claimed that it rocks. It doesn’t. Somehow you always end up stuck sitting there forever without any real explanation.
Drugs/Alcohol- I suggest doing/drinking some. I realize this is going against the whole D.A.R.E program, but let’s be honest, they’re fun and do make you cooler.
Bathrooms- They’re weird hell holes, that, if not broken are so covered in human excrement there’s no way you’d sit on them even if they did work.
Fly instead- Seriously. It’s more expensive but you won’t end up smelling like hepatitis. Or having hepatitis.
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