"The Happy Daggers" #15: Pussy In An Even Bigger Pussy's Clothing

9:04 pm - Wed, Oct 10, 2012: 7 notes

“The Happy Daggers” #15: Pussy In An Even Bigger Pussy’s Clothing

Maude’s twin brother Marty is in town and she’s having lunch with him the day Brendan starts teaching sketch writing classes. She has turned her phone off for the occasion and Brendan leaves unwanted but completely sober up-to-the minute voicemail reports.

1:57pm

“I think I got the wrong workshop. It’s just twelve dudes wearing plaid shirts. It’s like a lumberjack conference where they can’t even chop a carrot. You know? Because they are both physically and emotionally too weak to harm their only food source. But James once let me know how to take care of this. He’s like the Bear Grylls of surviving amongst hipsters but he only drank urine because I made him do it. Dear God, I hope this works. I’ll let you know.”

2:05pm

“So I wrote ‘The Shins’ on some strips of scratch paper, threw them on the floor, and told these freaks they were tickets to the Shins show at Whole Foods right now. Not only did they not buy it, they were not amused and really anxious to learn. I have absolutely no plan. What the fuck is a sketch really, Maude?! What are we all doing here? I’m having a Cactus Cooler-fueled existential crisis all because these barely legal dipshits won’t stop staring at me. Call me back! This is like School of Rock and you need to be that little goddamn iCarly girl!”

3:36pm

“Okay, don’t flip out because I’ve turned this into, like, a good thing. I stole your diary on Monday. Sorry. I’ve had it in my bag and so I pulled it out and gave my students writing prompts. One of these guys is doing a sketch about your coulrophilia aka clown/mime fetish, another guy just wrote about those eerie dreams you have about the return of your childhood dog that ran away, and there’s even a guy putting something together involving your habit of accidentally tucking your skirt into the back of your panties when you’re drunk. Another potential sketch idea is your subconscious flirting with Kenny but I want to save that one for me even if it means I can’t casually tell him to go buy the greasepaint. Ooh, girl, you’re a mess! An inspirational mess. And look who’s talking. TTYL.”

3:49pm

“Two assholes aren’t desperate enough to use my teaching tool! Yeah, tool was the wrong word. One of them really thinks his iPhone parody ad is going to put him at the top of the class. I’m giving him glimpses into the fractured life of a real living woman and he’s insisting there’s an app for that. (yells at the guy) You, sir, are what’s wrong with this generation! The other guy has the same M.O. as Matt. He told me that he thinks me using your diary is wrong and he would never do that because he’s a real nice guy and that’s why he doesn’t get dates and fuck I forgot (yells at this guy) No, YOU are what’s wrong with this generation, you pussy in an even bigger pussy’s clothing! Get out of my class! Go attempt a date rape at the invisible Shins gig!”